Dear Employees,
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy. Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPED (Retire Aged People Early Directive).
Employees selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme. (Special Help After Forced Termination). Employees who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program. (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Employees who have been ice memorandum, Human Resources, Employee RelationsRAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously employees who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Employees who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.
Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Supervisors should be aware they will be RAPED for not enforcing company policy, as all the personnel under the age of 40 years of age employed in a supervisory position within the company have been SCREWED.
Sincerely,
The Management
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy. Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPED (Retire Aged People Early Directive).
Employees selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme. (Special Help After Forced Termination). Employees who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program. (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.
Employees who have been ice memorandum, Human Resources, Employee RelationsRAPED can only get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously employees who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.
Employees who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible.
Management has always prided itself on the amount of SHIT it gives employees. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Supervisor. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Supervisors should be aware they will be RAPED for not enforcing company policy, as all the personnel under the age of 40 years of age employed in a supervisory position within the company have been SCREWED.
Sincerely,
The Management
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